Der Seifensekt

Emil Herold

Emil Herold is vo Neuschtod.

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Wenn Du wieder amool an Ochs zum „Judeln“ brauchst, Maler Krebs!“ fuhr er ihn giftig an. „A Flasch` n Sekt tät ich mit rausjudeln, Guckaala!“ sagte der Christian. „Nu ja, ihr gruoßen Herrn do drüb` n am Tisch … Wos gut is, des wisst ihr schö.“ „Ja, “ sagt der Christian. „A Knackwörscht is aa wos Gut` s, die `rausgojudelta wor prima, prima!“ „Ach Sekt“! schwärmte der Volken Dick. „Ich mücht aa amool Sekt gotrink!“

„Ihr zwää, doo drüm, Du unn do Eduard … wuhaar habt o denn Eura dicken Ranzen!“ fauchte der Guckaala den Maler Krebs an. „Mei Bäuchla is a Knackwörschtbäuchla, Guckaala!“  „Unn a Sekt-Faßla!“ fauchte der Guckaala weiter. So ging die Stichelei eine Viertelstunde hin und her. Da sagt der „Stenzer“ dem Maler Krebs leise ins Ohr: „Daar G` sellschaft doo drüb` n müsst mo aa Streichla spiel!“

„Hmm!“ sagte der Maler Krebs und ließ seine dicken Daumen Karussell auf seinem Bäuchlein fahren. Auf einmal murmelte er vor sich hin: „Wart ihr Brüderla! Ihr sollt` Seif` n sauf`, aber khenn Sekt!“ Dann sprach er leise mit dem Eduard. Der lachte und brummte dann: „Gut. Ich mach` mit“. Dann wurde der Stenzer und der Hansen Fritz ins Vertrauen gezogen. Und dann der Wirt, „Die Glatz“, wie man den langen Anton nannte. Wann hat der einmal nicht mitgemacht, wenn es etwas auszufressen gab? Nach einer Weile geht der Maler Krebs in die Küche. Da war die „Glatz“ eifrig damit beschäftigt, Seifenwasser herzustellen. Neben ihm standen eine leere Sektflasche und daneben eine Tüte mit Natron. „Da schäumt` s besser!“ sagte er.

Befriedigt geht der Christian wieder in die Wirtsstube. Nach einer Viertelstunde kommt die „Glatz“ herein und zwinkert dem Christian zu: „Es kann losgehen!“ Der Christian flüstert dem Hansen Fritz etwas ins Ohr. Der steht auf. „Ich will wieder amool nunto in den Saal guck“. Bald kommt er zurück. „Auch allerhand!“ sagte er, „der Hauptgewinn, a Flasch` n Sekt, steht mutterseelen allein noch da. Zum zehnten Mal hat der Vorstand jetzt die Glücksnummo augeruf`` n. Khee Mensch meld` sich. Die Nummo muss rein einer haben, der da vorn in der Wirtsstub` n sitzt. „Wie häß´ t die Nummo Fritz?“ fragte der Volken Dick. „Dreiunddreißig“! „Wenn ich die hätt! In mein Laam noch hoo ich khenn Sekt gotrunk` n!“ schwärmt der Wolfen Dick. Alles holt seine Losnummern aus der Tasche und studiert.

„Hier! Nummer dreiunddreißig!“ schreit der Metzger Scheibe auf einmal und reicht dem Fritz den Loszettel. „Hol gleich die Flasch Sekt!“ „Na ja“ brummt der Guckaala. „Die alt` Gschicht: Aro fett` n Sau reibt mo` n Hintern noch mit Spaak ei!“ „Oder mit Knackwörscht, Guckaala!“ stichelt der Stenzer. „Ihr Spratzer!“ geifert der Guckaala herüber. „Ich hoo mei Laam noch khenn Sekt gotrunken“, wiederholt der Volken Dick. „Ich tät schö amool mit naalacken!“

„Sauft Hundsdüten!“ sagte der Stenzer grob. „Wie is Eduard, darf ich amool mit naalack? „Dar wörd aus` n Maßkrug gotrunk` n!“ sagte der Eduard. „Meinetwaag` n … Du khaast aa gotrink, Volk, weil da noch khenn gotrunken host.“ In dem Augenblick kommt der Hansen Fritz und schwenkt triumphierend die Flasche mit dem Silberpapier um den Hals. „Es is „Henkel Trocken“! Doo Anton, mach Du die Flasch` auf!“

Der Christian war unterdessen aufgestanden und hatte von dem Tisch, an dem der Guckaala und der Volken Dick saßen, den Börners Bernd herangewunken. „Pass auf, Freund Bern. Wir woll` n a Jux mach`. Stibitzt Euch jetzt die Flasch Sekt. Do Eduard hatt sicher nex dagegen“.  Der Hansen Fritz stellte sich dicht vor den Eduard hin. „Host net noch a poor Los, Eduard? A Flasch Sekt steht noch hinten. Amend derwisch` n mo di aa noch!“ „Naa, die derwisch ich!“ schreit auf einmal der Börners Bern, der sich an die „feindliche“ Gruppe herangeschlichen hat, und mit einem Blitzgriff hat er die Flasche gekrallt und entwetzt damit zu seinen Freunden am Nachbartisch.

Indianergeheul! „Jetzt hamm mir an Sekt!“ jubelt der Volken Dick. „Unn jetzt khannst Du Hundsdüten g` sauf, Stenzer!“ lacht der Guckaala. Schon is die „Glatz“ mit dem Maßkrug am Räubertisch. Entkorkt die Flasche und lässt den Inhalt in den Maßkrug laufen, in dem Natron und Apfelsinengeschmackpulver zum Schäumen und Duften bereit liegen.

„Die Glatz“ hat diesmal den Maßkrug nicht angetrunken, wie es seine geschäftstüchtige Art sonst war, wenn er einen Maßkrug brachte. Diesmal hat er ihn dem Börners Bern gereicht, der seinen Priem schon in die hinterste Mundecke geschoben hat. „Erst komm ich!“ schreit der Volken Dick. „Der Eduard hat mir` s erlaubt. Ich soll aatrink!!“ Er greift nach dem Krug, den der Bern schon am Mund hat. „Ich hoo aa noch khenn Sekt gotrunken!“ sagt er und trinkt. „Net zu viel!“ geifert der Volken Dick und drückt ihm im nächsten Augeblick den Krug sanft vom Mund. Nun setzte der Volken Dick nach einem tiefen Atemzug zum Trunk an.

Der Bern aber steht mit einem ganz verblüfften Gesicht da und lässt seine Zunge im Mund herumfahren wie eine schmelzende Elleritze. Dann schüttelt er den Kopf. Derweilen läuft der „Henkel Trocken“ dem Dicken die Gurgel hinunter. „Sekt?“ denkt er „Sekt?“ Na, der wörd halt su schmecken. Wos B`sunders is net!“ und er trinkt zu. Was nun geschah, hat sich in Blitzesschnelle abgespielt. „Brrr, des schmeckt wie Seifenwasser! Brrr!“ schüttelt sich der Bern und spült sich mit seinem Priem den Seifengeschmack von der Zunge. Da hält der Dicke ein mit dem Trinken. „Seifenwasser?“ sagt er entgeistert, „Seifenwasser? – „Ihr Hünd` ihr elenden!“

Der Guckaala trommelt vor Vergnügen einen Schuhplattler auf seine Oberschenkel und strahlt vor Freude. „G schieht Dir ganz recht, Dicker! Brauchst bloß mit` n Maler Krebs in einer Stub` n zu sitz` n unn du bist scho der Gelackmeierte.“ In diesem Augenblick hat es dem Dicken den Magen umgedreht, „Sekt“ und Schinken- und Käsbrocken und einen mächtigen Priemspitzen spritzten dem Guckaala auf seinen funkelnagelneuen Anzug, auf seinen weißen Kragen, auf seine schöne Krawatte.

„Säubeer!“ faucht der Guckaala den Dicken an. „Schuld bist Du! Sagte der Dicke, als wieder zu sich kommt, zum Bern. „Du host die Flasch gomaust!“ „Unn mir hott` s der Maler Krebs aagelehrt!“ entschuldigte sich der Bern. „Doo habt osch! Doo habt osch!“ fauchte der Guckaala. „Kehrt muss mo mach`, wenn mo` n Maler Krebs bloß von weiten sieht!“
Im Hintergrund aber standen der Hansen Fritz und der Stenzer und hielten sich den Bauch vor Lachen. Ganz, ganz im Hintergrund stand „die Glatz“ und tat unschuldig wie ein Lämmlein auf der Wiese.

Der Maler Krebs aber hatte sich in den Saal geflüchtet. Dahin konnte ihm der Guckaala mit seinem sektbekleckerten neuen Anzug doch nicht folgen.

Gwelle: http://www.ulrich-goepfert.de/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=...



County cricket – as it happened | Sport 1.00pm EDT 13:00 Just got back from a very entertaining chat with Tino Best to see Essex got their draw at Glamorgan. What a fantastic round of Championship cricket; five results, three very decent draws, plenty of collapses on eight decent pitches, and not too much rain. Now let me get on and write about it. Thank you all so much for your company these last four days, it’s been a (natwest t20) blast. It’ll be Jamie Bowman manning the good ship County Cricket - Live! from Sunday (he’ll be at the Roses match), but I imagine I will be back on these shores before long. Please keep clicking, keep commentating and all the rest. It’s great fun for us ATL when we know you’re reading, and keeps the whole thing viable too! pre bonded hairSpeak soon, folks, and thanks for reading. 12.09pm EDT 12:09 Nick Browne out at Cardiff. Can the Welsh get up? 12.08pm EDT 12:08 That is the game, amazingly:

HAMPSHIRE WIN BY 69 RUNS. First ball, Gurney tried to hit Crane into the Solent, got a wild edge and was caught at point. No point Read batting when he’s so crocked with so many required. Hampshire’s first win of the season. Well done them! 12.05pm EDT 12:05 Samit’s gone. And that might just be that. Crane, remy hair extensionsbowling round the wicket into some considerable rough, has got Patel to attempt a slog-sweep, and he’s edged an extravagant turner through to first slip. Great bowling. 235-8. Chris Read unlikely to bat with his bad hand. 12.00pm EDT 12:00 12.00pm EDT 12:00 DRAW AT BRISTOL. WELL BATTED ROB NEWTON AND STEVEN CROOK BUT AT THE MOMENT I’M AFRAID I DON’T REALLY CARE BECAUSE THE AGEAS IS FUN 11.57am EDT 11:57 Fletch and Samit at the crease. I know what you’re thinking: do it in boundaries. Well, we’ve just had the first indicator as to why. Fletch edged Crane wide of slip and the outfield here is slow. Samit ran two as hard as his little sausage legs could carry him and turned for the third, but Fletch didn’t get the memo. The big lad fancied keeping the strike. But Samit was sprinting at him, so Fletch set off the third as the ball was coming into the keeper. Wheater gathered and threw to the non-strikers, but missed by a mile and Fletch made it. Jeeeeeeezzzzz this is tense. 11.53am EDT 11:53

TWO IN AN OVER AT THE AGEAS!!! TWO FOR TINO!!! Double nelson, double wicket maiden!!! Hutton was roughed up a bit with his first few balls. Then Tino banged one in short and Hutton pulled, straight to Crane at fine leg, who set himself and took a fine tumbling catch, slipping over, before going absolutely gorillas with his team-mates. Patel turns down an easy single to fine-leg off Fletcher’s first ball. Tino has 4-40. Updated at 11.54am EDT 11.50am EDT 11:50 SHOCK: MATCH DRAWN AT LORD’S. Every game played by either Somerset and Middlesex this season has been drawn. 11.48am EDT 11:48 perruques cheveux naturelsOh wow! Tino’s just bowled Christian with the first ball of the second over of his new spell. It’s a yorker, and middle stump is no longer standing. Just. Perfect. Btw, Tino set off in celebration and Hampshire just chased him. The bloke is magnetic. Hutton in now; ring field. Two slips, gully. This game is (***)hot. I really want to swear but I really shouldn’t. Updated at 11.49am EDT 11.42am EDT 11:42 This game is on a rather lovely knife edge. Tino and Crane in tandem now. Christian a bit wafty, and Samit’s never more than 10-15 seconds from slapping to cover. Hutton’s in next and can bat, but with just Gurney and Fletch to follow, this stand really is vital. Read will only bat, as I’ve said before, if absolutely necessary. 11.40am EDT 11:40 11.32am EDT 11:32

Steven Crook’s got a hundred! Northants have had one hell of a day. 11.20am EDT 11:20 Shame. — Middlesex Cricket (@Middlesex_CCC) May 25, 2016 Off for bad light. Somerset 202-7. Hildreth 85*, Overton 19*. #TeamMiddlesex 11.16am EDT 11:16 Huge straight six down the ground from Christian off Crane... 11.08am EDT 11:08 perruques cheveuxIt’s all go here; Hampshire charged 5 penalty runs as Samit edges/misses Crane and it hits the helmet behind, and now Crane has had Christian dropped - very hard, fast chance - at first slip by a furious Ervine. Samit’s got 50 and Notts need 125... Updated at 11.11am EDT 11.05am EDT 11:05 There is a stream of Glamorgan’s game with Essex here, and you’re mad not to be watching it. Dan Lawrence just got out, and the Glammys are pushing for their first win since July 2015. 11.01am EDT 11:01 10.56am EDT 10:56 We have our fourth result of the round! Kent fly home with 18 from three balls from Alex Blake. — Sam Billings (@sambillings) May 25, 2016 Awesome win @kentcricket ! 🙌🏼 #topofthelog 10.51am EDT 10:51 Well done to Durham! — Graham Onions (@BunnyOnions) May 25, 2016 Another special win today against a very good side.Some young players showing a huge amount of maturity, oh and ridiculous amounts of skill 10.44am EDT 10:44

Probably haven’t given Northamptonshire enough credit for their sterling work in Bristol today. They are 237-4 for the day and with 34 overs remaining, that is probably that. Tea here at the Ageas, no more wickets. Notts need 128 in 39 overs, with four wickets in hand, really. Read highly unlikely to bat. 10.36am EDT 10:36 Advice from the man sat to my right: — Vithushan (@Vitu_E) May 25, 2016 Samit or bust for Notts. This could be a belter. If you're in Southampton, get a car with half a tank, jump onto the M27 or take the A27... 10.34am EDT 10:34 lace front wigsGame on here! Taylor has slapped Crane to Tino at mid-on, and the great man took a fine catch, before hurling the ball into oblivion. 10-man Notts need 129 more, and have four wickets really. Think Read will bat if absolutely necessary, but the man is wearing a proper plaster cast. 10.18am EDT 10:18 Suddenly, things are looking dreamy for Nottinghamshire, even if Read isn’t batting. The stand between Taylor - who is looking a million dollars - and Samit, who is trotting along and recently edged Crane between keeper and slips, is 96 from 20 overs. Tino is now bowling some wild stuff, and twice has gone through the keeper for four byes/wides with wild bouncers. Dangerous times for Hampshire. 10.14am EDT 10:14 10.02am EDT 10:02 I like this tweet, because of the optimism. Can they get the 284? — Essex Cricket (@EssexCricket) May 25, 2016 Essex 50 for 3, Nick Browne 31*, Dan Lawrence 1* and there are a minimum of 47 overs remaining. Another 284 runs required to win #GlavEss 10.00am EDT 10:00 Tino bowling to Samit at the Ageas Bowl... The stuff dreams are made of. 9.57am EDT 09:57 This game surely has too much to do, but 2 in 2 for Rayner has it on the move... — Middlesex Cricket (@Middlesex_CCC) May 25, 2016 WICKET - Somerset 156-6. Gregory c Franklin (slip) b Rayner 0. #TeamMiddlesex#bowlingOllie With 47 overs after this one, Somerset are 109 ahead with four in hand. Here, Brendan Taylor has 59, and Samit 34, as the pot bubbles. Beautifully poised with all four results very much possible. 9.46am EDT 09:46 This is a great picture: — Phil Makepeace (@AlteredCourse) May 25, 2016 Action shot of Trego scaling the Lord's fence after both he and Hildreth (top) took an unscheduled comfort break. pic.twitter.com/gjn9PqGKRF 9.41am EDT 09:41 Can Glamorgan? Can they? — Essex Cricket (@EssexCricket) May 25, 2016 WICKET! Ravi Bopara fends a ball from Michael Hogan to Aneurin Donald at 2nd slip and goes for 6. Nick Browne 28*. 46-3. #GlavEss 9.38am EDT 09:38 9.31am EDT 09:31 Hundred up for Notts and a really fascinating period of the game coming up. With Taylor and Patel at the crease, Notts can win it. Without them there, I’d say they can’t (although Dan Christian is in next). Taylor has played a beautiful upper cut, and Samit is being Samit, depositing Dawson for a lovely hoicked legside four. 107-4, 198 to win. Read surely won’t bat, so five wickets required. 8.57am EDT 08:57 8.57am EDT 08:57 Another wicket at the Ageas! Empty Wessels has been drawn into a drive by McLaren. The ball has nipped away a fraction and he’s been caught behind. 8.48am EDT 08:48 8.41am EDT 08:41 Rob Newton adds the one he needed for a ton. He’s gonna need a few more to save the game. — Alex Winter (@_alexwinter) May 25, 2016 First match of the season and a battling century for Rob Newton. Northants need the fight to continue this afternoon... #bbccricket 8.27am EDT 08:27 So I’ve had a bite to eat so I thought I’d actually do my job and chat to you all about what is going on around the grounds... A wicket for Glamorgan on the stroke of lunch! Can they force their first win (in any format) since July last year?! Essex bat deep and bat big, so I wouldn’t rule them out yet. The equation: Glamorgan need 9 wickets, Essex need 322 runs, and there are 66.5 overs remaining. Kent are off to a flyer in their pursuit of 175 against Derbyshire. The equation: Derbyshire need 10 wickets, Kent need 149 runs, and there are 65 overs remaining. Rob Newton has 99 for Northants and is digging in to save the game against Gloucestershire. The equation: Northants trail by 18 runs, with five wickets in hand. 65 overs remaining. Up in Div One: cosplay wigsJames Hildreth is doing his thing at Lord’s. The equation: Somerset lead by 46, with six wickets in hand. 66 overs remain. And here at the Ageas Bowl, Tino Best is having a great time. Nottinghamshire are three down chasing 305, but Chris Read probably won’t bat. Notts require 255 more runs, Hampshire need seven (six, really) wickets. 69 overs left. What an afternoon we have in store. How good is county cricket?! 8.02am EDT 08:02 Lunch here at the Ageas and Notts are 50-3, still 255 away, and having just lost a third wicket.... McLaren has got one to bounce and nip at Mullaney, who edged to first slip... Mes (who has a real name!) has been in touch ATL: “I’m doing incantations for Glamorgan to take a wicket,” he writes, :(I bowed to the better judgement of HPG and Captbnut on the declaration). So I’m singing this iny my head (at work): Mae bys Meri-Ann wedi brifo, A Dafydd y gwas ddim yn iach. Mae’r baban yn y crud yn crio,A’r gath wedi sgrapo Joni bach. Sosban fach yn berwi ar y tân,Sosban fawr yn berwi ar y llawr,A’r gath wedi sgrapo Joni bach.”

I have absolutely no idea what this means. No idea. Updated at 8.06am EDT 7.58am EDT 07:58 7.56am EDT 07:56 Kent flying along, aren’t they. What a game to win that is. Right, I notice comments are down again. Hold fast they will be back soon but there’s nought I can do about it. Feel compelled to tell me something? Sub-140 character thoughts to @willis_macp and more conherent/longer thoughts to will.macpherson.freelance@guardian.co.uk. Fire away. 7.50am EDT 07:50 7.43am EDT 07:43 Elsewhere, things are happening, aren’t they? Derbyshire, what have you done? Kent need 175 to win. Glamorgan have declared (well batted Mr Bragg), and Essex need 334 from 70, I believe. Middlesex, good on you. Somerset are 60-4 and lead by just one. Hildreth the key, you’d say. Both sides looking for their first non-draw, so up the result! DURHAM HAVE WON, CONGRATULATIONS DURHAM! Just a shame Colly couldn’t see them home a day before turning 44, but that is a spectacular effort. Well done. How often has a guy taken a nine-bag and not won? Updated at 7.46am EDT 7.37am EDT 07:37 Apologies if I’ve been a bit quiet, I’ve been perambulating the Ageas’s Bowl in pursuit of a black americano, which I now have, and am sipping. While this may sound like a dereliction of duty, it was not without cricketing rewards. I come bearing news, and it ain’t good for Nottinghamshire: I bumped into Chris Read, off to throw white balls at Greg Smith in the nets with Peter Moores. He has a proper cast on his left wrist. Can’t see him batting today; can’t see him batting for six weeks or so... We have had another wicket too, and it belongs to Tino! The sheer chutzpah of the bloke is a sight to behold. He’s struck Lumb on the pads (again - there was a huge appeal earlier) from round the wicket and after about ten minutes up went the finger. Make your mind up below. Lumb was looking good after a decent working over: he absolutely nailed a pull into the small of Tom Alsop’s back at short leg. Looked very sore. — Hampshire Cricket (@hantscricket) May 25, 2016 WATCH: Terrific @tinobest! Never short of pace, or a passionate @CountyChamp celebration! pic.twitter.com/OdQUvb2yGR 6.57am EDT 06:57 Tinooooooo! He’s got Libby, and the hosts are on the move. Couple of throat balls were followed by a fuller one, which was duly nicked. Tino is making loads of noise. 6.54am EDT 06:54 Derbyshire are making a bit of a hash of things, aren't they? 6.46am EDT 06:46 Tino’s first ball has just cracked into a ducking Mullaney’s back... This is going to be fun. He had Lumb, particularly, in all sorts of trouble a couple of days ago. Updated at 6.46am EDT 6.38am EDT 06:38 I see there’s been a fourth wicket at both Derby and Bristol, and Keaton Jennings has his third hundred of the year up at Edgbaston. I’m backing us to get four more results today. Updated at 6.41am EDT 6.37am EDT 06:37 The lead is 300 at the Ageas! Declaration, slogging, wicket all incoming. These two - Crane and Tomlinson, who on-drove his first ball for three played some nice shots - and, oh, there’s the declaration. Will Smith’s on the balcon calling them in. Nottinghamshire will need 305 to win off 86 overs. Light roller being used as I type. Good game, good game. 6.21am EDT 06:21 Gurney has his ninth wicket of the match! He’s got one to nip back at McLaren, and it’s struck him - a bit high perhaps - and the finger went up. Empty Wessels - still keeping - threw down the stumps too so he was probably out on two counts. 282 is the lead. 6.16am EDT 06:16 There’s a bit going on around the grounds; Middlesex are all out, 47 ahead, and Jack Leach has a five-fer. Very good few days for the J.Leaches. On Durham charge, with Jennings onto 98. Paul Collingwood is 40 tomorrow! Would be a decent birthday present if they could pull this one off.... Here, Ryan McLaren, who is looking a cracking overseas signing once again, has taken Hampshire past 200, and a lead of 281. We’re on declaration watch. 6.12am EDT 06:12 No full report from me yesterday I’m afraid, as England decided to go announce what a few of us had long suspected: that Reece Topley was facing a lengthy spell on the sidelines. There’s the round-up at the bottom of the piece, though. In the report’s absence, mind, I’d recommend reading this from Selve. Just a lovely piece on how we seldom think about the guards we take. Graham Gooch hits the nail on the head when it comes to taking guard | Mike Selvey 6.02am EDT 06:02 Good morning, how are you all? I’m at the Ageas Bowl, where - unlike the last couple of days - the sun isn’t shining. But it’s not going to rain. Hampshire’s last three batsman are going to come out for a bit of a swing. They’re currently 270 ahead, so Notts already require the highest score of the match to win. They failed in a smaller chase against Warwickshire last week, of course, but Samit had some fun. This should be a cracking day. There are five other matches to be completed too. It should be a short, but excellent, day at Edgbaston, where Durham require not too many, and Warwickshire still need six wickets. Could Chris Wright trump Woakes and get ten?! At Lord’s, they’re starting on time despite some doubt, and it’s looking very drawy. What do I know, though? In Div 2, one game is already complete, and there are three to run. Could there, improbably, be results at Derby and Cardiff? And how long will it take Gloucestershire to see off Northants? Enjoy the great game, folks, and be sure to barrack hard below the line. 5.25am EDT 05:25 Today we have Will Macpherson at the Ageas Bowl to cover Hampshire v Nottinghamshire. Here is his report on the news from Hampshire yesterday: England’s Reece Topley ruled out for three months with back injury And, in case you missed it last night, here’s Mike Selvey’s column: Graham Gooch hits the nail on the head when it comes to taking guard | Mike Selvey Enjoy the cricket Updated at 5.25am EDT